Here’s what not to do with those trained to save your life:

5. Stand beside their perch and strike up a conversation. They should be paying full attention to the pool.

4. Stand in front of them, shouting, “look at me!”

3. Ask ‘why?’ if she’s enforcing the rules that no one under age 14 can swim laps.

2. Sneak goggles that she has forbidden you to wear. (see #3).

And, the #1 thing not to do to a lifeguard: Tell her to go get you something because she’s the lifeguard. If she’s dumb enough to heed you, you or someone you love could drown.

Not that anyone has ever done any of these things. It’s clearly hypothetical. Or not.

I was one of THOSE people tonight. You know, the type who know that the pool closes at 9:45, so they show up in a suit at 9:25? My daughter, who was watching a very old man tread water from her lifeguard stand when I walked in put on a happy face and waved. I approached her very professional like. “Can you hold my glasses?” I asked her, “Or is that against the rules or something?” She made a face, I think. But by then my glasses were off and I couldn’t even see her face, let alone her expression.

I jumped in the water and tried to force the cold water shock away. I only had a little time to swim, after all. I started out my set. I have recently lost 9 pounds, so I felt the difference in my legs. They just take up less room now, and I wonder if they’re strong enough to get me through the pool. I also find the smaller bulk much less tiring during my laps.

I had finished my third length when my daughter met me at the deep end holding her buoy. I thought she was telling me to get out, but she had some tips on my stroke. I’ve developed some bad habits in my freestyle, like a lot of rocking from side to side, taking too long to breathe, and pulling my shoulders all the way back on my stroke. No wonder I get so tired swimming freestyle! My daughter tried to show me to pull my elbows back, like I’m pulling a bow on an arrow. She also directed me to pull straight out in front of me instead of whatever the heck I was doing.

I had intended to start swimming breast stroke right away, but I wanted to try out what she suggested. So I swam backstroke to the shallow end, where I started up on the freestyle taking her advice. I started off pretty strong, but soon returned to my old habits. I glanced towards my daughter in the lifeguard chair after that length, but I couldn’t see what she was doing, so that was a waste of time.

I had swum 200, and decided to move onto the breast stroke. My goal was to swim 500 before the pool closed. It takes me about 2 minutes to swim a 50. It was 9:43 when I’d finished swimming 450 total. I had just enough time, give or take a few seconds, to finish my goal. But I didn’t trust my freestyle to carry me in on time, and every other stroke is too slow. Plus, even with my blind bat status I could tell my daughter was ready to close the pool.

So, with great trepidation, I left the pool, my goal unmet.

I’ve opened the Y before. There is nothing like looking at a pool full of still water and being the first one to part the waters. Closing the pool is a little like closing out a party, only more pathetic. I was the only person in the locker room when I heard a ‘get out of the Y warning’ over the PA. Then someone else came in briefly, but she left soon enough. I had the lobby to myself, too, waiting for my daughter.

We were walking out the door when the front desk person announced that the Y was now closed. I wondered how my daughter felt to hear those words every Monday night.

I just read another interesting article by Mike Gustafson. Here he muses how swimming could be as exciting as football.

The major differences between the two sports, from a spectator standpoint, according to Gustafson, is that football is a spectacle for those watching, whereas swimming is for the swimmers.

As a parent who has sat through her fair share of swim meets, and is just starting to sit through football games, I concur. It doesn’t even matter that you cheer at swim meets; your swimmer can’t hear you in the water. Football games are exciting for all involved, even when you factor in uncomfortable climate issues.

My son, a former swimmer, says, “It’s just swimming, Mom, it’s not like a high profile sport.” He abandoned the water for basketball, another glamorous sport.

The best swim meets I attended were at Country Clubs, where there was a little wading pool for the younger children to play during the meet. The wading pool was far enough removed from the main pool, though, that it was hard to watch the swimmers and the babies at the same time.

So, how do we make swimming about the spectators? Do we do events like the mile and other long distance swims before the meet, kind of like the preliminary rounds in a beauty pageant?

Do we have a cooler temperature for spectators and a warmer atmosphere for the swimmers? Do we explain the events and the scoring, not to mention the order of events, and why? Do we have more football type concessions? How about cheerleaders? I think the Country Club has a good idea. What if all spectators arrived at the pool and changed into swimsuits? Then they could go dip in a wading pool while awaiting their favorite event. Or when it got a little too hot and stuffy in the stands.

It would take more thought than I have time for here, but Gusstafson envisions a much more exciting future to the sport. What do you think would make swimming more of a spectator sport?

Last summer, the big swim news headline was the Valley Club of Philadelphia kicking black kids out. This summer, it was the group of Shreveport kids who drowned in a public park.

One was about denying access to swimming; the other was the fruit of lack of access.

The Philadelphia incident had several outcomes, including financial retribution, and a generous gift from Tyler Perry. I don’t recall reading about swim lessons coming out of the deal.

I’m hoping that something good will come of the Shreveport tragedy, and this article adds to my hope. Besides the most comprehensive analysis I’ve read on the subject of Blacks and non-swimming, it says that there is a new swimming program in Shreveport named after the victims. Bishop Larry Brandon, a local pastor, has even begun stressing the importance of swimming from the pulpit. That’s a far cry from some of the jokes I’ve heard from my pastor and his wife.

I think an event like this should shame our people into making learning to swim a priority. Cullen Jones hopes swimming will become as commonplace as drivers licenses. I concur.

In my last post, I talked about an idea for a new swim movie. That got me wondering what swim movies were already out there.

1.

Swimfan was at the top of every search. If you thought Fatal Attraction was ok, but it was missing a swimming pool, Swimfan is your movie.

2.

The Big Bad Swim

This movie shines light on the magic that is learning to swim as an adult.

3. Men Who Swim

In a case of truth being truly stranger than fiction, this documentary follows a men’s synchronized swim team into a world where they have company.

4.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Undead

If you like your Japanese horror sprinkled with swimming, this is your movie.

5.

Swimming Upstream

Maybe you’d prefer a biopic. Try this movie about Australian swim star, Tony Fingleton.

6.

Swimming with Dolphins

This documentary is aptly named. Learn everything you ever wanted to about dolphins.

7.

The Pool looks like a cross between Swimfan and Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Undead, intensity-wise. The pool is the setting here. Don’t look for swim team footage in this thriller.

8.

Swimsuit: the movie

At last what the list has been missing: a comedy. Swimsuit: the Movie is a mockumetary that pokes fun at swimsuit catalogs.

9.

The Swimmer, a 1968 movie is available on Netfix Instant Queue. It follows a backstroker’s quest to find meaning in life.

10.

Swimsuit (1989) Strictly speaking, Swimsuit is not a swim movie so much as it is about swim suits, but I figure it’s close enough, and a comedy to lighten up our load here.